Maybe Wonderland isn't so bad afterall?

in·tri·cate/ˈintrikit/

Adjective: Very complicated or detailed.

  

Intricate is the word of the year for my life.  Very complicated, every little detail as a matter of fact!  I have moved from my former blog titled M@ndy's Roots & Branches, well because my branches became very heavy and eventually fell off.  The top heaviness of my tree seemed to somehow uproot my very being.  Very intricately did these branches start disassembling themselves in the fall of 2009.  Divorce seems like such an understatement when used in everyday language.  You divorce someone, you cut them off from your life, you move on right?  Not so much.  It's been a very emotional process.  Nine years of your life with a person can become genuine routine, for myself anyway; I began to know who I was, what "our" goals were in the coming years, everything becomes built around your marriage and family.  My childhood dream had started to form, all without the white picket fence of course.  It's what you know, what you do, you eat, sleep and breath the American Dream.  When those branches are torn from you and you no longer have to prune and take loving care of them any longer a hole starts to form, like the tree was cut down almost, those rings on a tree stump reflect what was.  You have no idea what to do with yourself, you no longer provide shade and gallant foliage, you don't know yourself any longer with your limbs all gone, roots are exposed coming from the earth until they are completely ripped up in a flood that moves faster than you can hold your poor disintegrating roots into the ground. 

As a matter of fact, this very quote inspired the name of this blog.  Alice falls down the rabbit hole and her dress poofs up like a parachute.  Alice exclaims; "Well, after this I should think nothing of falling down stairs."  After coming out of this year alive, I should think nothing of falling down stairs myself!  In a figurative manner of course!  I have a lot of life behind me.  I have been out on my own for 13 years.  An abundance of love, memories, quite a bittersweet symphony of  events that have left me somewhat wondering around looking for what's next. Almost anticipating the next catastrophe- I approach everything with caution and a firewall that would make Norton and McAfee pay me off for my secrets!  September of 2009 I felt my life was falling apart.  In June 2010 I turned 30 and I would like to think I have a lot of life in front of me.  Getting off of these training wheels have been trial and error.  I've lost a lot of who I was, which makes me feel as if I'm in wonderland.  In the words of Alice herself; "I wonder if I've been changed in the night?  Let me think.  Was I the same when I got up this morning?  I almost think I can remember feeling a little different.  But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"  You wake up one day and you have no idea who you are.  Then you want pieces of yourself back so you can feel whole and real again.  It becomes hard to function in a fashion that you are not accustomed to.  As you meet new people, face new challenges, start soul searching......do I want to be everything that I was?  This is my chance, my clean slate to start a new.  Do something different, let go of my old ideas of how things "should" have been and let God create a new me!  

Maybe Wonderland isn't so bad after all.